my heart goes out to you,
boy of the smiley-face moles,
brought out even more profoundly
by the darkening of the summer sun.
remember when we would tell the world
of this great discovery?
sometimes
I still see that chase in your eyes.
that desire
to illuminate
and bring
laughter
upon every face you meet.
wish I could locate the turning point,
the curve or bounce in time
that I could blame
for shadowing the light that shone
under my bed,
shone through the darkness of my room,
wish I could too,
carry all the emptiness that has devoured you.
I will never understand,
ever feel your hollowness,
that level of desperation
lack of motivation
level of frustration.
all that is tangible,
all that is real,
yet unreal to the terrified child still within you,
is the change,
the tightness in my chest
when you say
“I have something to tell you”
I trust only the distrust,
that comes with being with you,
but it’s not anger,
trust me,
my heart still goes out to you
it’s just
my head,
my mind,
my body
does not know of this lack of control,
there’s no instruction
immediate relief,
that could fill the hole in you,
we know.
I know.
that’s all I can do.
wait,
wait,
wait,
and be there for you,
listen to you,
just lay there with you.
I’ve said it before,
sometimes
I can see the “old” you,
don’t worry,
I’ll wait ‘til you see it too.
but,
until then,
until we can laugh about the smiley-face moles again,
my heart goes out to you.
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